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Picture: Eikan-dō Zenrin-ji, Kyoto
ZHANG, Cheng:
Some find themselves tied up and confined by marriage,
which is unbearable, and begin to have extramarital affairs.
But later, they are again tied up and confined by that extramarital affair.
Why does life move from one kind of bondage to another?
I’d like to share a good article worth reading,
by my student, Teacher Huang Yajuan (Alice Huang).
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Wei-cheng is a senior executive of a publicly listed company.
Since he finished his academic career in the U.S., he has had a meteoric rise in Taiwan.
The higher position he achieves, the bigger house he owns.
Weicheng's wife used to be a junior high school teacher.
She quit her teaching job after they had two kids and took care of them full time.
They post photos of happy family outings on Facebook, which make them the envy of many others.
However, behind Weicheng's dazzling achievements is a knot that cannot be untied.
This knot makes him suffer from long-term insomnia, and he has to rely on sleeping pills to fall asleep.
It is an extramarital affair entangling for many years and, still in progress.
The kind that is both inseparable and unmanageable.
When people hear of extramarital affairs, their first thought is, “Men enjoy playing the field!”
However, betrayal due to sexual desire does not last long, mistresses change all the time, and few have genuine hearts.
Most extramarital affairs that can be maintained for a long time contain “lessons” in them.
Some seek emotional sustenance and comfort from outside because they are at odds with the other half.
In such a situation, he or she must have an open heart, be willing to look at their relationship, and ask “Why have I done to come to this point?”
Is there something I can do to adjust in the relationship?
In fact, most people, in a relationship of mutual grievances, tend to feel that it is all the other party's problem and not their fault.
Many couples have long been tired of seeing each other, but are still unwilling to divorce.
They say that they’d like to give the kid a complete home, so they have no choice but continue to play the roles of loving Dad and Mom.
However, there are various reasons why a couple cannot go on but still stay in bad marriages.
Some feel that divorce means that they have “failed” in their marriage and will lose face;
Others think that if they divorce, the family will be incomplete;
Still others grudge their ex being with their true love,... etc.
However, today's example is not the case at all.
Weicheng is a good man, as is well-known to all, and he is also very devotional.
He is a babysitter, bathing and changing diapers for the kids;
He is a driver for his wife and children to and from school every day;
He is also a chef, teaching his wife how to cook steak and make stock;
Every year, he arranges for the whole family a tour abroad, and plans the travel itinerary by himself.
A friend asked him, “You love your wife so much. What magic power does she have?”
He turned his head to look at his friend, and answered with a sigh:
Oh~ I married her then because I just thought, “Without me, she could not live.”
So I married her! His tone is plain but reveals a sense of helplessness!
After a pause for a few seconds, he sighed once more, saying,
“Although I have a wife, I feel like having another daughter.
Because my wife can do nothing but teach at school ~ ~
Do you feel taxed because of marrying such a wife?
Is that why you have another relationship?
Not really~~ I met my girlfriend when I was a student in the U.S.
At that time, we liked each other, but she was already engaged.
After I returned to Taiwan, she was married to her fiance.
However, within a couple of years of marriage, she got divorced and returned to Taiwan.
She said that she came back to Taiwan to see me.
She said that she was married, but she often thought of me.
The thought that she might never see me again would wake her up in the middle of the night, and she would be secretly crying .
Later, her marriage simply couldn't go on.
After she completed the divorce procedures, the first thing she wanted to do was to come back and see me.
If I reject her, isn't she too miserable? She should have lived a terrible life!
“She should have lived a terrible life!” How familiar this sentence sounds!
Isn't this why Weicheng chose his own wife?
In fact, he chose these two women for the same reason:
Without him, she would have a terrible life, or even could not survive!
Therefore, he cannot abandon either!
In other words, if he abandons her, then it is Weicheng's responsibility if she does not live well!
If we can't let go of someone or something, mostly our internal “mirrors” can explain. (Note 1)
Weicheng, unable to let go of the lady, is in fact afraid that he would have the same fate: to be abandoned!
That is to say, deep in his heart, part of him feels that he is miserable, small, powerless, and unloved.
This miserable self is very afraid of being abandoned.
So when he sees a miserable person, he would want to help her.
He sees his own value by taking care of her and feel himself needed.
This is very similar to the psychological state of many slaves when slavery systems existed in the past.
Like the general public, most slaves long for freedom in their hearts.
So some will run away to pursue a life on their terms.
But still others totally do not want to get rid of the restriction at all even though they are free to move about.
They are even a little afraid of that freedom.
Part of the reason is that they are “needed” and “relied upon” by their masters.
Although they could regain freedom if they escape, they will no longer be “needed”, “relied upon”, and “liked”, and if so, they would feel themselves “worthless”!
This is something very subconscious and uneasy to detect.
Therefore, if people like Weicheng have not discovered their own problems through learning wisdom, then these entangling triangle lessons may continue for several lifetimes!
And this is how we all continue to repeat the cycles of birth and death!
If you confront a similar challenge, and you are particularly unwilling to let go of certain situations, then I suggest you look into your heart.
Do you have a “miserable self” inside, which keeps asking for love from this world?
Only if you make yourself powerful through learning wisdom, will you know how you can share this path you have traveled with the people around you and help them learn the wisdom as you do!
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Note 1: You can read the book “Where there is Dharma, there is a way” by ZHANG, Cheng, p.44., Business Weekly Publishing House
Tian-yun Book Club [Taipei Class] [Taoyuan Class]
To discuss the book “Where there is Dharma, there is a way”, you are welcome to join us at any time.
https://blog.xuite.net/aalice163/blog/589169598
A Monthly Single Class “The Wealth Mind to Escape Poverty”
https://blog.xuite.net/aalice163/blog/588458472
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