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PHOTO: Shisen-dō, Kyoto, Japan
This subject can start with an observation of family affection, in which the love between "mother" and "son" is probably the most intense. The connection and bonds between them are deeper.......
Then how is the "bond" formed? It is a condition (a memory) in a child's life that "mom is the most loving to me", which, like a subconscious umbilical cord, has been binding to the child. No matter how old he becomes, when he sees mom, this umbilical cord in the depths of his heart is "turned on like an electric current". Even if some mothers usually ignore children or even abuse them, kids still want their moms. He always remembers the condition that "mom is the most loving to him". He regards his suffering as a struggle in life and shares weal and woe with his mother who has emotional problems.
Although his mom is often scary, the abused child will see expressions in mom's eyes that this "binding thread" still exists —— their loving connection still exists. Therefore, even though he knows that mom is not nice to him, he still bears with the plight of being abused and magnifies by himself the feeling of "loving connection".
For this abusive mother, she also feels guilty after assaults. The guilt makes her hate herself being abusive. But when she abuses her child next time, "she herself that she will never forgive" will lose it and spank her child worse than ever. For example, maybe it was just a couple of spanks, but now, a dozen. Why is this happening instead? (Because) in her heart she is crying, "Why are you making me do it!" For example, the louder the child cries, the harder she will hit him. It seems that she is saying, "Why are you spurring the bad in me? I have already suppressed it nicely. Why are you provoking this side of me? !"
Oftentimes, tragedies of fatal child abuse by out-of-control parents result from abusive parents with such psychological mechanisms. Then, for example, when a mother does hit her child to death and see him motionless, she will be struck dumb. Self-blames and fears will be like waves of saltwater intrusion constantly inundating her. Thus, to protect herself from the inundating self-blames and fears of the consequences of homicide, she will explain to herself that she is a victim as well. For example, (she might say that) the child is so disobedient as to irritate her......and so on. She will start to justify for herself. This is the reason why some child abusers, when caught and asked why by the police, will give all kinds of excuses and make a clean break. Many people, having read such social news, always bristle with anger. They rail at such a mother on the internet —— how can she cold-bloodedly tell such egregious lies afterwards......and so on. In fact, these are criminals' inner twists and turns. If you can understand, you will not feel surprised.
In addition to helping you all understand more about abusers' psychological mechanisms, we give the examples of family abuse for you to realize how strong, in fact, the "loving bond" can be in a child's heart! Even if they are not nicely treated, they can always bear with it and wait inside. By the same token, if you hope to create a soul mate in your life, please remember that in any human relationship, if you have truly loved him (her), even if it is only in a flash, then a "thread of grateful remembrance" will keep existing and vibrating. So, if you want to make each other a soul mate, you must amplify the vibration of this thread, instead of offsetting it by many things.
If a couple can always remember the love given by the other half, and if they are willing to work for self-growth and devote to each other due to grateful remembrance, then what they have done will be amplifying the "thread of grateful remembrance". But it is not the case with most couples, whose lives together gradually become routines. They play the roles necessary for a living and keep demanding the other half. As a result, the thread becomes a "final bottom line" with weak energy murkily hidden in the heart of hearts and fails to vibrate into a melody that can make their lives and careers glow.
When a relationship turns into role plays and routines, you both are proceeding farther while getting further apart from each other. With constant expectations and expectation hangovers, you both adjust and suppress yourselves, but a thread called "hatred" is still generated due to frictions. This is another kind of "bonds", negatively vibrating though. When the alienation in an undernourished relationship has not been settled, the vibration of this "thread of hatred" will automatically increase.
The iron law of any relationship is —— When you are not moving toward love, the relationship will be falling back. Hence, when this "thread of grateful remembrance" is vibrating less and less, the amplitude of the "thread of hatred" will be getting larger. What happens to you both is that the sight of him/her will connect you to inexplicably bad moods and bad things. Similarly, whenever he/she sees you, what connects him/her is all stress and annoyance.
It is your and his (her) shortcomings and blind spots that the "thread of hatred" will enlarge. Whenever your other half cannot understand the thing you want or expect, or he/she simply lets you down, this thread will be fueled again. Then you will begin to argue, attack, and exaggerate the wrongs of your other half under such vibration. When this "thread of hatred" vibrates even stronger, such energy will later lead you to serious verbal or physical abuse. For example, some may say everything tough enough to hurt their other halves, slam things, or even take punches at each other. However, having done these things with emotions, they will feel upset and regretful for tearing the relationship asunder, since what they originally want is mutual love instead of grudges. However, "abuser's psychological mechanisms" as mentioned above will be similarly produced. In the event of next quarrel or conflict, they still put their hands to hurt their other halves even worse. (Because) in his heart he is shouting, "I want to love you! But why do you hurt me so badly every time, driving me crazy and out of love? I will beat you. I want you to know you have treated me wrong! No way!......" Then, of course, your partner, being beaten, will have various reactions in this negative cycle; it may be a fight back, a cold war, or he/she may end this relationship at heart, or revenge under the counter only to cost him/her a lifetime and so on......
Then, it is the way to the opposite side of "soul mate", which is "emotion mate".
"Emotion mates" refer to a couple whose interaction pattern has been dominated by negative emotional vibration. Hence, "emotion mates" do not necessarily fight physically. For example, someone can speak amiably with others beyond doubt, but when he turns and responds to his wife, he immediately falls into a quarrelsome pattern. At times bystanders observe and feel it odd. Such couples, I believe, you all have seen a lot. "Indeed, " the Higher Spirit says, "many couples are getting along with each other by curses. They are, in fact, "emotion mates". They are even quite used to such a pattern. If they do not curse each other, they simply cannot exchange a word. This is the situation where a relationship has gone distorted and unhealthy.
How many "emotion mates" are there around you? They may have been married for twenty, thirty or even fifty years...... Almost all their lifetime is gone, and they seem to be very unhappy with their own lives, but they feel unable to do anything about it. So, the days, living with and "fed up" with the other half, will have to be spent by "turning a blind eye". However, what is unknown to them is that since this homework has not been finished, there will be nothing to look forward to next life in terms of relationship. Still, he will find another (or the same) "emotion mate", with whom he will continue to get entangled.
"Emotion mates" are not necessarily husband and wife. Father and son, mother and daughter, and even friends are possible to form pairs. Examples of such "emotion mates" may be hidden and undetectable, but still can be found in the interpersonal relationship in mental healing groups. In such groups, everyone shares similar traumatic experiences and feels himself "well understood". However, if they do not really step forward in life, just seek sympathy for themselves by "others' understanding of their wounds", and even develop a common belief that "it is the trauma that makes me advance nowhere in life", then they will become the persons who linger over the past injuries to prove how miserable they are. An explicit feature is —— As long as they encounter difficulties in life and try to escape due to fear of failure, they will explain to themselves, "I become what I am because something has happened to me ........".
Then this is to take emotion as a pit, into which one can jump and hide and avoid one's responsibility. People who get together with such a mutual approval will hope to have more people stay in this pit and no one come out. So, they can make themselves feel secure and think that they are in the right. This is another type of "emotion mates".
But here, it is not to deny the functions of "healing groups", which are of significant value. And it does take longer for some people who need more company to face their traumatic experiences. But then in such groups, there are indeed some leaders who take advantage of others' traumas for their personal validation or profit. Then the group will be imperceptibly led to the above-mentioned relationship of "emotion mates", in which there is virtually no way for group members to move on in life.
Still another type of "emotion mates" exists on the Internet. Examples are the so-called "pity-seeking posts" or "lamp-lighting posts" which abound on the Internet. Why do some folks always share this type of posts? (Because) they can see some hope in them, (just like lighting a lamp in the dark night of their own lives.) However, oftentimes, they simply want to relive the feeling of "seeing hope" rather than heartily "embrace changes" (because changes require responsibilities). If you honestly discover that you tend to love such posts, then you must wake up to know that beneath these seemingly warm "pity-seeking posts" and "lamp-lighting posts", —— saying things like "I'll back you up", "I understand you perfectly well", "That's life all about" —— you will have become worn out living through vicissitudes.
Facing this world and your own encounters in life, you have lots of insoluble emotions. Being tired and disappointed, you do not want to be tortured by the grudges that can pop up any time. You want to have a peaceful mind, so these sensibly and seemingly optimistic ideas will be your loves. These ideas, which seem to temporarily release your emotions, will also attract some homogenous people to wedge in your life. Why is it described as "wedge in"? (Because) on the ways to "find such peace of mind", what you love to hear and read and who you befriend will form a cage that "leads you to virtually nowhere in life, but instead uses 'warmth' to convince you of this worn-out mindset, paralyzing your potential". Once you enter this warm cage, you will suppress your helplessness and anger even more and deeper. The friends you have attracted under such conditions seem to be the persons who "know you best" and "share spiritual instructions", but in fact, they are exactly the "emotion mates", who come to block your way to move forward in life. You will then get "stuck".
Therefore, the so-called "emotion mates", broadly speaking, are the relations you have with anyone in your life which are built through various emotions such as grievances, grudges, guilts, and distorted experiences of ups and downs in life. In fact, why does everyone say that "it is hard to be a human being"? The reason is that most people are pulled down to be reborn due to their failure to finish the lessons about "emotion mates". If your real relationships with many people are "emotion mates", if you have not solved them with wisdom in this lifetime, if you constantly enlarge the vibration of these "threads of grudges" , if you cannot finish your lessons in this lifetime, then your lifespan will be shortened. The reason is that the soul unable to finish homework will require another body to try again. On the other hand, "soul mates" connect others with "threads of grateful remembrance", through which they are to correct themselves and finish their own homework. It is indeed harder at the beginning. However, your life will be like a hot air balloon. With gradually warming up, the hot air balloon will keep ascending slowly. In the process, partners who do not finish their homework for elevation as you do will leave you naturally, but friends who have done their homework as you do will join you as your better companions (maybe a friend, a partner, or a co-founder). Then your interpersonal relationship will gradually be filled with threads of grateful remembrance. Many people around you will be resonating with you in grateful remembrance. They all will be your true eminences, who will be good partners to speed you up on your path of soul evolution.
Why is it harder to create a "soul mate" at the beginning? (Because) it is just like the blastoff of a hot air balloon. Before the blastoff, you must prepare lots of equipment, receive lots of training, and then you can reach the moment when you do drive a hot air balloon and fly it successfully. However, creating an "emotion mate" is rather simple because negative emotions expand rapidly like snowballs. Any petty feud among people always gets more and more intense by itself later.
So far as it goes, if you self-examine and find that in your current life you do have more "threads of hatred", what should you do? In fact, so long as you have a way to stop your emotions from boiling, or you can cool them down faster than before, you have already made an elevation. At least you can "jam on the brakes" to stop the current situation from worsening. It is also a good start. Although it is never easy to finish your lessons about relationship while physically and mentally tired or with complex emotions, and yet with the good start of "jamming on the brakes" and with the help of our classes and messages from the Higher Spirit, you can then clarify and understand the pain spots linked by those threads of hatred. Next, with "clarity = healing", you can really let go. With the pain spots in life removed one by one, in the next stage you will come to understand that you can again advance in life and create a greater "opulence" for the following stage. You will feel that you are younger than yourself years ago, because your worn-out mindset is replaced with more and more "visible and reachable" happiness.
As you continue to move in this direction, your soul mate will appear on the way. In other words, you must first let yourself move in this direction, and the "soul mate" you desire will be attracted to you. (But still homework to do in the wake of the attraction.) If you do not go in this direction, life will not steer a middle course. Instead, many "emotion mates" will spot for you by themselves and begin to resonate with you an emotional future.
Hence, are you in a relationship of "soul mate" or "emotion mate"? Some may say that they seem to be somewhere in between. But as a reminder for you, life is "either progressing or regressing". If your relationship is not progressing toward "soul mates", then it is moving toward "emotion mates". Therefore, what should you do every day as a devotion to your future self? Please do ponder over this.
Topics about "awakening" abound in spiritual and religious circles. However, the most "BASIC" lesson in "awakening" is that at least you must be able to recognize what brings you a positive cycle and what gets you caught in a vicious one. Then, about those dos and don'ts, you can give yourself the rational ways to specifically follow. This only is the primary of awakening. If you cannot see straight, if you do not practice carefully in real life, and you speak nothing but Zen and Awaken, then you are just lighting a lamp for warmth in the repeated cycles of birth and death; that's all.
Indeed, if you create the appearance of such a "soul mate" in life in terms of an intimate relationship, then you will know that his existence is far more precious and wonderful than any wealth and possession.
Original Article in Chinese
https://blog.xuite.net/mark001tw2009/twblog/574856444-《情緒伴侶VS靈魂伴侶》
Listen to the Original Article in Chinese
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-------Learn Wisdom; Waste No Life -------------
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